Real Orthodox men do not wear cologne. They smell of incense.
Real Orthodox men do not need to do “crunches” for their abs. Lenten prostrations are all they need.
Real Orthodox men are not worried about being fat. One hundred fifty days a year of fasting takes care of that.
Real Orthodox men know how to celebrate Christmas after the Liturgy. Some vodka, a toast for each of the Twelve Apostles, the Virgin Mary, Saint Joseph, and Jesus, gets one into the Christmas spirit.
Real Orthodox men have their weapons blessed.