Orthodox books that will never be written

Every so often Father Orthoduck thinks about books that he could write. Below are some of the titles that have come to mind.

Orthodox beards: their care and upkeep

Swinging the wild censer — synchronized censer swinging for the rhythm impaired.

Evangelical put-downs — how to make sure no non-Orthodox ever listens to you.

Monastic chanting for the ADD generation — five simple chants that can be done in five seconds.

I am OK, you are NOT OK — a brief history of the Orthodox / Roman Catholic theological dialogue.

1. Foundation and 2. Foundation and Empire and 3. Second Foundation and 4. Foundation’s Edge and 5. Foundation’s Triumph — a five book series detailing 1. the founding of the Church at Jerusalem, 2. the Pentarchate and its relationship to the Roman Empire, 3. New Rome and the Patriarchate of Constantinople, and 4. the expansion of Orthodoxy to Russia and the possible founding of the Third Rome, and 5. the expansion of Orthodoxy to the New World.

I am sure that various of you can think of some additional good book titles. But, if you have a suggestion on which one of the above books Fr. Orthoduck should write, please do tell me. Every one of the above titles appeals to me for a different reason.