Cells by Rudyard Kipling

Father Orthoduck is a Rudyard Kipling fan as are many military science fiction writers. Below is one of his more humorous pieces. Enjoy!

Cells

• I’ve a head like a concertina: I’ve a tongue like a button-stick:
• I’ve a mouth like an old potato, and I’m more than a little sick,
• But I’ve had my fun o’ the Corp’ral’s Guard: I’ve made the cinders fly,
• And I’m here in the Clink for a thundering drink
• and blacking the Corporal’s eye.
• With a second-hand overcoat under my head,
• And a beautiful view of the yard,
• O it’s pack-drill for me and a fortnight’s C.B.
• For “drunk and resisting the Guard!”
• Mad drunk and resisting the Guard —
• ‘Strewth, but I socked it them hard!
• So it’s pack-drill for me and a fortnight’s C.B.
• For “drunk and resisting the Guard.”

• I started o’ canteen porter, I finished o’ canteen beer,
• But a dose o’ gin that a mate slipped in, it was that that brought me here.
• ‘Twas that and an extry double Guard that rubbed my nose in the dirt;
• But I fell away with the Corp’ral’s stock
• and the best of the Corp’ral’s shirt.

• I left my cap in a public-house, my boots in the public road,
• And Lord knows where, and I don’t care, my belt and my tunic goed;
• They’ll stop my pay, they’ll cut away the stripes I used to wear,
• But I left my mark on the Corp’ral’s face, and I think he’ll keep it there!

• My wife she cries on the barrack-gate, my kid in the barrack-yard,
• It ain’t that I mind the Ord’ly room — it’s ~that~ that cuts so hard.
• I’ll take my oath before them both that I will sure abstain,
• But as soon as I’m in with a mate and gin, I know I’ll do it again!
• With a second-hand overcoat under my head,
• And a beautiful view of the yard,
• Yes, it’s pack-drill for me and a fortnight’s C.B.
• For “drunk and resisting the Guard!”
• Mad drunk and resisting the Guard —
• ‘Strewth, but I socked it them hard!
• So it’s pack-drill for me and a fortnight’s C.B.
• For “drunk and resisting the Guard.”